Everything is Permitted
by Zephyrus Anemoi Fiction
Summary: This is the result of several authors coming together to write the most insane Negima pairings of all time. You have been warned
1. Story Arc: Rubber Lotus

This 'story' is a collection of oneshots written by a dedicated group of fans who will hereby be known as the Council of Crack. The oneshots are sniplets of our own crack pairrings. However, there will be a 'story' arc, written by Rubber LotusBasic premise is that we've gone meta, kidnapped half of 3-A, and now we're being hunted by Batman. This is going to be an on-going 'plot'. Lotus wanted to do something different.

Just who the hell do you think we are?

**Zephyr Fiction**

* * *

_Crack._

The thin body went swinging again. Screams and pleadings slipped from between the detained man's broken teeth. Deals. Threats. Promises of retribution.

_Crack._

The Batman's expressionless face remained unchanged as he let another haymaker fly into the Chinese-American lowlife. The cable that suspended the man about three feet from the asphalt glinted in the dim streetlight.

"They-they'll kill me if I squeal!" the voice wailed.

"I've got all the time in the world, Lotus, " the growl came out, a hundred times more potent than anything Jonathan Crane could have cooked up in his lab.

"Someone's gonna-"

"Who?" the shadowy figure challenged. "You're probably the only lowlife left in Chinatown."

A pause. The black-haired man silently cursed. Ever since that blond girl with the tan showed up... who the hell did she think she was, anyhow? Didn't look like any kind of Chinese he'd ever seen!

"Now, I'll say it politely one. More. Time."

Gloved fingers pressed themselves against the man's sweaty scalp.

"Two weeks ago, de Cheese, or "Bookworm", as he's calling himself now, escaped from Arkham. You've been shadowing him. Trying to join his mob for months. **What. Is. He Up. To?**"

"He- he made s-some kinda bargain w-with that Mage guy! And that new kid on the street! Anemone something? A couple other guys, too!"

The white slits in the Batman's mask narrowed a fraction of a degree.

"Th-Third! That third guy!"

"You're name-dropping, Lotus. I suppose Teeth is in on it, too?"

"H-heh. Read my mind, B-man!"

Silence.

"H-hello?"

More silence.

"I have to go to the little criminal's room...!"

* * *

"So?" Jim Gordon asked his longtime ally and friend, the single lamp on his desk providing the only illumination.

"If Lotus was telling the truth, then it's bad. _Very_ bad. Four of the area's top Crackfic Lords are working together on something."

"Is that even... possible?"

"They certainly have their egos, but they're nowhere near as bad as the Arkham inmates."

"Not even de Cheese?"

"Does the name "Warren White" ring a bell?"

"Point. Anyway, according to my intelligence reports, they're operating under some kind of honor system this time. Only people from the Negima area are allowed."

"It's dangerous to put too much faith into these things, but warn them first anyway."

"Right. Reminds me of the first time we dealt with Nygma. Banquet turned out to be bank- you're not there anymore, are you?"

Silence confirmed the commissioner's suspicions.

* * *

He'd known it was too late the second he saw the state that the district was in.

Half-destroyed giant mecha lying facedown in the street. Trees and streetlights uprooted. Dozens of women and men kissing one another. And a hundred more things that even the Joker would have been driven insane by.

He saw the boy standing in the town square, staff in his hands, a look of not dismay but simply weariness on his face. He did not know why it disturbed him so.

"Who did they take?"

"Asuna-san. Emily-san. Haruna-san. Chisame-san. Kotaro-kun. Satsuki-san. Makie-san. And Tsukuyomi-san."

"We'll find them before It happens, " the dark knight said, his voice softening a fraction of a degree. "I promise."

The boy didn't look one bit fooled. And neither did the Batman.

* * *

"It's worse than I thought, Jim."

"Oh?"

"They've made their first move. In Adriane."

"The magic school?"

"The same. Neutral territory as far as the big fish are concerned. But it's only going to get worse from here on out."

"How bad was it?"

"Yuri. Maid outfits. Cat ears. More fourth-wall breaking than you can shake a stick at."

"Good god... It's Third, isn't it?"

The dark-knight detective made an affirmative grunt. "The entire area's already been tossed into chaos. Footage was leaked onto the web within five hours."

"Lemme guess. Both the empires are accusing the other of hiding those four."

"If any one of them gain a foothold in Adriane, the entire balance of powers could be upset."

"And the really big families haven't even made a move, " Gordon groaned. "The Sugar Cartel. de Cheese... and my men can't do a damn thing against the Cartel."

"Don't give up, Jim, " the vigilante assured the old cop. "Keep your men on the lookout for any leads on the other three."

"And you'll handling the Cartel?"

"In a way."

A second later, Jim Gordon was left alone in his dim-lit office, with nothing but old case files and a dartboard with a picture of a certain clown taped to it to keep him company.

_Arkham Asylum. Twenty Minutes Later._

"You can't be serious."

"You have nothing to gain from refusing."

Bruce was already beginning to regret his course of action. True, he had Oracle and a dozen other expert hackers at his command, but none of them could match the insane genius of the Cracklords. Even if they worked together, he doubted that they could thwart their actions without going mad themselves.

But the Joker had no mind left to lose.

"What's this? Trying to gauge my actions like a - (dramatic gasp) - _sane_ man?" the homicidal harlequin mocked. "Get outta here before I tear those ears off yer head and shishkebab ya with 'em!"

"Joker, you don't like them any more than I do."

"They give ya headaches from dusk 'til dawn, don't they? The enemy of my enemy is my less-enemy-y enemy. Simple as A-B-Z."

"... fine. I'll go ask Hasegawa instead. She always _did_ know more about computers than you. She can probably jam the crackfics faster than you, too."

With that, the tall figure strode away from the cell, silently counting the seconds 'til-

"Ugh. Fine! But I've got three rules. One, no pixie boots or short-shorts. Two, keep me out of a Threesome with Hasegawa and her teacher if it kills ya!"

"And three?"

"I'll think of that later."

"I'll be back with the equipment in two hours."

"... you out it that way on purpose, didn't ya?"

The swishing of a cape was his only answer.

"Love ya too, Bats!"


	2. Asuna Emily: Iniquitus The Third

NOTE: Each chapter will by by a different author and have a different pairing. That is all

* * *

Have you ever wondered what happens when you give a small group of fanfic writers the task of spreading the crack pairing love among the Negima! fandom and get them to egg each other on?

Wonder no further.

A group of dedicated writers have gathered and wrought bizarre pairings, ludicrous situations, and ridiculous events for your viewing pleasure.

_These are the voyages of the Crackship Negima. It's ongoing mission: to plumb new depths of imagination, to construct alternate universes on the whims of mad pairings, and to bring you ships such as never before been seen._

This time, to start things up, our crew each selected a ship which they thought was sufficiently O_O-inducing to ease into the process. Below are the fruits of their efforts.

**Abandon all OTPs at the door before entering. Do not expect to find logic, IC-ness, or continuity within. You have been warned.**

* * *

Author: Iniquitus The Third

Pairing: Asuna Kagurazaka/Emily Sevensheep

**A Right Royal Mess**

Emily Sevensheep, Class Representative of the leading class at the premier academy responsible for training the newest members of the Warrior maidens of Ariadne, stormed down the corridor that led to the part of the academy usually reserved for visiting functionaries of the Hellas Empire or the Megalesombrian Republic.

And she was decidedly angry about the current inhabitants of that wing.

Well, really this 'Ala Alba' hadn't had a lot of options when it came to finding a stopover place while the gates back to the Old World were repaired. Moving to take advantage of either the Empire's or the Republic's hospitality would probably cause the chosen side to claim they had the support of the war's heroes and begin another war, Ostia was a smoking ruin and still being repaired, and so the leader of the Ariadne detachment had offered, as a neutral country who nominally still had one of the aforementioned heroes under tuition.

And now they were here, and acting decidedly unheroic. Honestly, if people saved the Magic World from destruction, then the least they could do was act gracious and, and... heroic somehow. Certainly not like a bunch of overexcited teenagers!

Emily remembered what had happened yesterday. She (in her capacity as the class rep) had been sitting at the table with the other members of Ala Alba, and she'd only needed to leave for one short minute for the toilet. One little, short, brief, insignificant minute - probably even less.

The first explosions had started when she was five steps away from reentering the room.

Not for the first time, she had wondered what she'd done wrong. Hell, she'd almost gone to the faculty and reported the lot of them, if that damned Yue hadn't stopped her. She'd spun Emily some story about an argument that had been focused on a family history book given to them a while back by a time-travelling Martian, and Emily had been about to tell her to pull the other one, but then Yue had stood like _that_ and apologised like _that_ and looked at her like _that_... Well, she hadn't reported them, in the end.

She had to be doing that on purpose, she _had_ to. She wasn't that good at hiding her reactions.

Emily reached the large door to the wing, reached for the lock and opened it with a wave of her hand, moving inside. She had to get Negi-sama to get his group under control.

"Negi-sama?"

"Ahhhh!"

Her head jolted in the direction of the cry, and was greeted by the sight of a decidedly undressed Princess of Twilight, trying to preserve modesty as well as a pair of arms could do so, face somehow managing to be redder than her hair.

"Wha, wha, what are you doing in here, Lambi?" Asuna sputtered, trying to hide behind a skinny pair of hands. Anime physiology - looks good, but awful for emergency modesty.

Emily tore her head around looking pointedly away from her, trying to resist the urge to smack her one for speaking to her like that - honestly, 'Lambi'? Half the people reading this story wouldn't even get the reference, and still she insisted on that name.

"I was ''trying'' to contact Negi-sama in order to have him keep you all on a tighter leash. Gods know it would improve things around here," Emily said, with a distinctly detectable sniff. "And why are you naked, anyway?", she asked, curiosity getting the better of her.

"W-well if you really have to know, I was just washing myself down. Seems someone forgot to stock them back up," Asuna sniped.

"HEY!" Emily whirled around to her again, an enraged look on her face. "Just because you are the guests of this academy doesn't mean that I'm suddenly your maidservant!"

Asuna's mind went briefly to one of the conversations she had had since the battle, regarding the fact that, as a Princess, she was technically supposed to be waited on hand and foot, dressed, and even bathed by maidservants. A brief image of Emily, in a thoroughly soaked maid outfit, washing her hair in an outdoor bath rather like the one back at Mahora flashed into her head.

She shook her head, trying to dispel the mental image, then realised her hands had dropped in the meantime and that the girl she'd just imagined in a less than proper situation was now ogling her... everything. Her hands shifted again.

Emily realised that she was staring ever so slightly at Asuna's wet, naked, soaked, nude, synonym-for-'coated-in-water', synonym-for-'butt-naked' body, and moved her head to focus her eye very much to make eye contact, instead of undressing the other girl with her eyes. No, that doesn't make sense, but this is supposed to be a T-rated story, so we can't call it 'fucking her with her eyes'.

"S-so, um, Emily. Would you mind getting me a towel from my room?"

"Wh-what? Why should I do something like that?"

"Weeeeeeeeell, I _am_ kind of a princess, and that means I outrank you. Besides, you're the one who brought up the whole maidservant angle."

Emily briefly had an image of herself in a maid outfit, opening the door for a bathrobe-clad Asuna, holding herself in a princess-like manner at last, then standing next to the bed, Asuna raising her arms just enough for her to step closer and loosen the binding around her waist, sliding the warm robe off her shoulder, exposing Asuna to her, her hands sliding around the back of her waist and pulling her closer for their usual after-bath session...

Emily blinked. _...That went to a strange place._

Asuna simply stood there, hands beginning to shake as the chill began to hit home.

"Hmm, Lambi? A tad faster, if you may."

"...Fine, as long as you act more according to your station."

Emily took one last mental snapshot of the slick, wet expanse of Asuna's skin, then turned and entered the room, spotting a robe that looked an

awful lot like the one from her thoughts just then.

Fighting off that feeling of trepidation and most definitely **not**-anticipation, she returned to the rooom, Asuna still where she'd been a moment ago.

Asuna's eyebrow raised at seeing the bathrobe. "B-bit m-m-much, d-don'tch-cha think?"

Emily strode forward and paid no heed to Asuna's words, moving around to behind her and draping the robe over her shoulders. Mercifully, Asuna

seemed to realise that acting up now was going to be counterproductive, and she reached out her arms to slide into the sleeves. Once they were settled, Asuna reached downwards to fasten the strips of cloth, only for Emily's hand to slide down and seize her arm.

Asuna shot a quizzical look over her shoulder at Emily, to see her with a finger over her mouth, making a shushing motion. Emily moved around back to the front, not making a noise, not wishing to break the trance that seemed to settle over the two of them. She knelt, hands moving to close the robe and tie it shut, and maybe Asuna wasn't talking, but she was practically glowing by now. One way or the other, she was still naked on the front, and now Emily had her head almost... _there_.

Emily semmed to notice this as well, because from what Asuna could see, her cheeks had turned red as well, and she was moving perhaps a little faster than expected.

Once that was done with, Emily straightened up and stepped back, seeming to admire her handiwork. Asuna had to admit that it felt nice, having someone caring for her and doing things like that for her.

The spell seemed to break as Emily spoke.

"Well. I think I have to get moving, now. I-it was a pleasure to finally see you acting the way you should, Asuna-san."

She smiled at Asuna, for perhaps the first time, then moved to exit the room, back to searching for Negi. Before she could leave, though, Asuna called out.

"Hey! La- Emily!"

Emily stopped. Her eye twitched slightly at the lack of honorific, but she hid it as she turned to see Asuna, hand on the doorknob. Progress was progress.

"We- we should do this again sometime. I'm pretty sure Konoka's got a few maid outfits lying around."

"...Should I ask why?"

"I will say only roleplaying of a very certain sort, and leave it there."

Emily flushed. Come to think of it, the healer had been rather insistent that she sleep in the double room with the swordswoman...

"I think that may be for the best here." She chuckled nervously, and slipped out of the large door.

Princess Asuna, resplendent in a strapless showy ballgown, strode regally into her bedchambers, hems just slightly touching the carpet. The tiara in her hair glinted in the light, serenity all across her face, and she turned, sat elegantly on her (covered) mattress, and lifted her arms out sideways. A single, controlled word rang out.

"Maid?"

Then she dropped her hands to her side, face relaxing into her more usual frown, breathing out and the dress audibly creaked as her lungs reassumed a more normal position within her chest. She turned to look at the head of the bed.

"How'd I do, Em?"

Emily Sevensheep, kitted out in a maid outfit borrowed from Konoka (and wearing a pair of cat-ears which Setsuna had slipped her with a knowing smile when she'd said she "needed it for Asuna", informing her that these were her 'lucky' pair), sat upright in the bed, fingers steepled near her mouth, a reflective look upon her face.

"Better than last time, but try to look a bit more interested in your surroundings next time."

Asuna began shifting her arms, trying to remove the corsetlike upper part of the dress.

"Urgh, you _always_ say that. What'm I supposed to do, do a drive-by art-and-scenery critique?", Asuna grumbled.

Emily went up onto her hands and knees, moving closer to Asuna.

"No, simply try to look around and- oh, come here," she muttered as Asuna continued to struggle with the elaborate getup. Her nimble fingers, more used to teasing open dresses, soon freed Asuna and she breathed in.

"Ahhhhh, that's better," she sighed.

"What about this then, hmm~?"

Emily's fingers finished opening the back of Asuna's dress, and slid inside, moving around to her front, one moving upwards to her bra, the other sliding downwards.

Asuna gasped as those fingers ghosted over her stomach, and she tilted her head back, far enough to brush a little kiss onto Emily's lips.

_Well, she's less annoying than Ayaka, that's for sure..._

* * *

That's all for this time. Next time, we give these people the same pairing and see what havoc they wreak with it. Stay tuned...


	3. Ayaaka Zazie: Shadow Crystal Mage

Written by the author who needs no introduction

* * *

The Mage smiled, gesturing with his personal combat yoyo. "Commence operation!" he declared.

"YES, BOSS!" the Sugar Cartel cried as they launched into action...

...

Everything is Permitted

by **Shadow Crystal Mage**

Yukihiro Ayaka/Zazie Rainyday

Disclaimer: We do not own Negima. We are not making any money off of this. we wish we didn't but that would be illegal.

...

It began with the phone calls.

Natsumi and Chizuru (anyone still remember her? Biggest breasts in the class, has a thing for leek suppositories?) were very polite people, and so dutifully blocked out what Ayaka said when she was on the phone. They usually didn't have to, but when someone starts talking on the phone for hours at a time, giggling and sighing, there are only so many possible explanations, and since the bill hadn't gone up significantly since she started, it probably wasn't a phone-sex line. Maybe. Probably. Possibly. With crazy rich people, anything was possible. Even Chizuru didn't want to think about hat time she was putting away laundry and came across a sheer spandex outfit with pictures of Negi in strategic areas, a cape, a amsk, and a disturbingly well-laden utility belt. She still didn't have the nerve to ask Ayaka about that.

But, we digress. The phone calls. Regardless of whether or not they actually listened, it was easy to make out a general tone to the conversation. Whoever was on the other line was apparently a lively talker, and seemed to be well-versed in a wise variety of diverse and interesting topics, from politics to how best to kill Stephenie Meyer. The calls always ranged from all tones, to highly intellectual discourses where Ayaka would talk for a great length of time before sitting back and listening for as long or longer, to random chatter than involved a lot of laughing and giggling, to quiet, melancholy moments that Chizuru and Natsumi always took as their cue to leave the room. There were unspoken rules to this room-mate thing (compiled in the product known as 'The Roomy Contract', By Joseph Stalin 'Pat McGroin' Tribianni and Chandler Murial Bing, available from Ermine Press), and Chizuru and Natsumi followed it diligently.

Kotaro, however, didn't, exempt as he was under the 'annoying relative/old school friend crashing indefinitely for humorous purposes clause' (Chapter 5, code 67, article 124).

"Hey, old lady, who were you talkin' to?" he asked, after several pointed looks at Ayaka wouldn't make her keep her voice down during his and Negi's Saturday morning session of watching "Jailbait Kamen SXTREME".

Ayaka gave him her usual annoyed look as she finally hung up, sniffing in her usual disapproval for Kotaro, though she favored Negi with a smile. "Oh, that as just Zazie-san. She suggested we go bowling later, since it had been some time, and that our class hasn't had any group bonding activities lately."

Everyone but Kotaro blinked.

"Zazie-san said all that?" Natsumi said, trying to fit her mind around such an impossible concept.

"Oh yes, " Ayaka said, not seeming to notice their confusion. "In fact, she asked me to invite you all as well, Negi-sensei. She said she wanted to ask you about how her sister was doing?"

Negi blinked, recalling. "You know about her sister?" he said in confusion.

"Of course!" Ayaka declared. "Zazie's told me a lot about her, and I've even spoken to her once or twice. Apparently Eizaz-chan— that's the names of Zazie's sister— works as some kind of volunteer in troubled areas?"

"You've talked to her sister?" Negi said again, even more surprised.

"Of course! She even visited during the festival. Oh, but of course you didn't met. Zazie told me she was quite disappointed you weren't able to attend her circus performance, Negi-sensei. But considering the activities you were involved in, I perfectly understand. Oh, I really MUST take a shower, I've been sitting hear all morning."

She flounced off, humming pleasantly to herself as she headed for the shower.

"Huh, " Kotaro said. "Wouldn't have pegged her the type. Hey, Natsumi-nee-chan, your show is on!"

As the credits for "Demonic Cannon Girl Musical Something-or-Other" came on, and Natsumi pretended to watch the show so that Kotaro wouldn't have to admit he liked a 'girl's' show, Negi frowned. "What do you mean by that, Kotaro-kun?"

"Huh? Oh, I just never figured the old Lady and that creepy quiet girl would hook up, " he said, absorbed in the show.

"_**EHHHH?**_" Natsumi, Negi and even Chizuru cried out.

"Hey, keep it down, I'm trying to watch!" Kotaro complained.

"What are you talking about, Kotaro?" Natsumi said. "Iincho likes... someone else."

"Oh no, she and creepy-quiet girl definitely hooked up, " Kotaro said. "Haruna-san has forced me to watch too much sappy romance anime for me not to be able to tell. The long talks on the phone, the sighing, reciting that weird poetry thing, and... I'm pretty sure she's not taking a bath." He rubbed his nose for emphasis.

"Huh?" Negi asked, confused.

"Ask Chisame, " Natsumi said, silently praying Chisame wouldn't flay her for redirecting this her way.

...

"She's using telepathy somehow," Haruna insisted as they followed the two, trying to keep a low profile. "After all, she's some kind of Mazoku! Who knows what sort of freaky mind-reading powers they have!"

Nodoka actually managed to look offended at this.

"I've never been on this end of following someone," Negi said thoughtfully. "It's certainly different."

"Yes, you have," Konoka said. "Remember when Asuna was on her date with Takamichi during the school festival?"

"_What?_" Asuna demanded, rounding on their mutual partner. "_Ne-giiiii….!_"

"Asuna-san, keep your voice down," Setsuna said. "We need to stay back and look unobtrusive. I told you all to bring mirrors to look around corners."

"Wow! You sure know a lot about following someone around, Setsuna-san," Kazumi teased. "How_ever_ did you gain such proficient stalking skills?"

Setsuna gave the reporter a dirty look.

"Look! They're holding hands!" Konoka said.

Asuna stopped trying to strangle Negi and rushed to look around the corner they were hiding behind. Her eyes narrowed as she stared at the pair…

...

The people hiding in the bushes stared, not sure if there were seeing things right. Or hearing right, for that matter.

Ayaka sighed. "Oh, you can be _so_ poetic, Zazie-chan."

Zazie's face didn't change one iota as she sat opposite Ayaka. Neither did she move an inch.

Ayaka smiled, reaching over to take her hand. "I'm not exaggerating anything, Zazie-chan. You know I would never tease you like that."

"Did you hear her say anything?" Asuna asked.

"Not a peep," Setsuna said, trying to adjust her long-range microphone.

"Setsuna, why do have you one of those?" Kazumi teased.

Setsuna just stared straight ahead, fixedly not looking at Konoka.

Ayaka suddenly blushed, though Zazie had done nothing they could see. "Zazie-chan! In public?"

Zazie was perfectly impassive.

Stil blushing, Ayaka leaned forward and pecked her on the cheek. Zazie's lips _might_ have curved into a smile, but that was likely a trick of the light.

"_She's not saying anything!" _Asuna all but growled. "What is Ayaka playing at?"

"She seems to understand Zazie just fine," Konoka said. "Maybe they're having a telepathic conversation?"

"So Ayaka's a creepy mind-reader now?" Asuna said.

Nodoka looked hurt again.

Ad so the one-sided conversation of a romance continued…

...

**- Soon to come: Sayo/Hakase…**

...

A/N: Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	4. Story Arc 2: Rubber Lotus

This is a continuation of Lotus's tie-in. At this point, you might wanna go grab some milk. This is gonna be a bit...crazy

* * *

_It wasn't his first time dealing with killer yo-yos. Not in the slightest. _

Vp. Vp. Vp.

TUNK! TUNK! TUNK!

**KABOOM!**

_But suffice to say, the likes of Joker & Toyman had never quite taken it this far. _

_"__No One Could Survive That__!" what was obviously one of the greener recruits cried. "Negi X Konoemon 4-Evah!" _

_"YOU IDIOT!" his comrades screamed as the dark-knight detective emerged from the smoke right on cue, a feral snarl on his face. _

_A gloved fist found its way into one of the lowlives' noses, while a booted foot smashed the jaw of another. When another half-dozen Cartel members poured into the small area, the Batman quickly reached into his utility belt and produced a gas grenade. _

Tssssssss...

_"Don't breathe it!" _

_"Get your gas mask-yoyos out!" _

_"... say what?" _

Krunch! Whap!

_One down. _

Splam!

_Two. _

Krack!

_Three. Fo- _

Thwip.

**ZZZZZZT!**

_Any man without the proper insulation would have been fried to a crisp there and then. As it was, the yo-yo's 10, 000-volt shock still wasn't pleasant. _

_"Don't get cocky, cape-man!" _

_A fist plowed into the Batman's __Lantern Jaw Of Justice__. The Caped Crusader grimaced and somersaulted backward, putting distance between himself and his new opponent. _

_The cowl's computerized lenses scanned the areas. Six... seven still standing. Not a sign of Mage himself. _

_"Make this easy on yourselves, " he growled. "Your leader is obviously losing it, getting caught in the middle of an operation. We'll find his primary base of operations any moment now." _

_"That's what you think, Fatman!" a particularly skinny Cartel member snarled before letting loose ten yo-yos at once, one for each finger. And then the ten yo-yos attached to each of those yo-yos revealed themselves. _

I. Hate . Wednesdays…_ the dark knight noted to himself in tried-and-true gritty monologue fashion. _

_It was not a happy caped crusader that dragged himself back to Arkham to check on his newest partner. Not with two dozen cuts in the Bat-suit, innumerable burns, and twenty-seven different flavors of pudding soaking through the cloth, anyhow. _

_"Joker?" he rasped, absentmindedly wiping the blood and tapioca from the corner of his mouth. On the bright side, his cape, now half the length it normally was, was no longer doing the janitor's job for him. _

_He knew something was wrong the moment he saw the cell from the other side of the corridor. _

_"JOKER!" _

_The homicidal harlequin lay in fetal position, shivering. Mumbling. _

_"A-all those people I've killed. Ha ha ha. That I-I've crippled. Why aren't I dead? Ha ha ha..." _

_Before him laid a mountain of computer equipment, now producing nothing but smoke and sparks. Bruce would have smelt it long before, had his nostrils not been filled with a much, much worse scent from the battle. _

_"Joker...?" _

_"D-don't come near me. I-I'm dangerous... I'm a killer..." _

_"ARE YOU INSANE?" Chamo screamed. "Do you even know what you're asking?" _

_"Don't start playing the morality card on me, " Batman scowled. "You're almost as bad at Lotus. Skimming profits from the Cracklords." _

_"Ah, look, " the ermine began to sweat. "I admit that they're a bit... unorthodox, but-" _

_"They. Drove. The. Joker. Sane." _

_"I-isn't that a good-" _

_"What part of "millions of people become as crazy as he is" sounds good to you?" _

_"Y-yeah, but still-" _

_"You will be compensated." _

_"Look, we both know you're loaded, but you'll have to do-" _

_The Batman held a brown paper bag up. A slightly-suspicious Chamo peered inside and withdrew his head a second later, ready to vomit his little ermine-y guts out. _

_"GAH! What the hell?" _

_"I'll show you worse if you don't give me the address." _

_"Fine!" the ermine huffed, lighting a new cigarette. "Your funeral, Battyman!" _

_Half an hour later, the caped crusader found himself in a small wooded area, miles away from civilization. The church that stood before him beckoned, like a lady with long hair and big eyes and the sweetest of smiles just waiting to feed you a strychnine pie the second you let your guard down. _

_There was no thunder in the sky. Nor lightning. Not even clouds. And the air was downright sterile. No crickets chirping. No mosquitoes buzzing. _

_He'd definitely come to the right place. _

_Booted feet strode toward the picket fence-white double doors. Before he could even touch them, they creaked open by themselves. _

_"Enter, stranger. Know that you will be shown hospitality and kindness. Know that this is a bastion of sanity and rationality. Know that we will not harm you." _

_He took a tentative step inside, knowing anxiety that he had not faced in years. _

_"So long as you do not defy our creed. So long as you do not defy the Church. _

_Another step... _

_"The Church of the One True Pairing." _

_And the darkness swallowed him whole._


	5. Makie Tskuyoumi: Japanese Teeth

WARNING, WARNING. This chapter contains graphic and disturbing sexual relations. This chapter is for MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY! You have been warned. This contains massive squik. You will not be warned again

* * *

"Tsuki! Tsuki! Where are you!-?" Tsukuyomi held her breath as the pink haired girl bounced past her hiding place. Years of experience carrying out assassinations and warfare, and she was forced to put every last bit of it to use to avoid detection by an overenergetic gymnast. It was absurd.

"Come on, Tsuki!" Makie let out a sigh and put her hands on her hips. "I know you're around here somewhere!" She lowered her voice into a half whine, half moan. "I _need_ you..."

The swordsgirl shuddered, half from the current pain that wracked her back, and half from the prospect of injuring herself even more. Yes, last night had been amazing. But last night had also been the sixth time that week, and Makie had a lot of trouble remembering that most people weren't as flexible as she was. It was true that the pretzelesque position that Makie had invented had been the source of so much ecstasy that Tsukuyomi's shrieks of pleasure had awakened half the dorm. It was also true that if the swordsgirl attempted anything like that again anytime soon, she would be in traction for quite a while.

"Crap, I guess she isn't here." Makie grumbled. Tsukuyomi could only see Makie's sandaled feet from under the edge of the bush in which she was hiding. The gymnast's toes were curling with frustration. "Dang it, if I can't find her soon I guess I'll just have to spend my evening taking a nice looooong shower." Tsukuyomi listened as her footsteps trailed off into the dorm.

After a few more minutes of waiting to insure that Makie wasn't still hanging around, Tsukuyomi peeked her head out of the bush, shaking leaves from her hair.

"What exactly are you doing?" The swordsgirl looked up to see Setsuna staring grumpily at her. As usual, Konoka was latched onto her arm. "You aren't planning on ambushing anyone, are you? I'm quite sure that you can't afford to get any more black marks on your record. Especially after that incident with the Kendo club."

"They reattached her finger successfully!" She protested. "It'll be back to normal in like a month or two. And besides, I have no intent of ambushing anyone right now. I'm actually kinda just hiding from Makie."

"Why would you be hiding from her?" Konoka asked. "I thought you two got along great."

"Too well, actually."

"I kinda figured that from the noise you were making last night." Konoka grinned.

"Don't get me wrong, last night was awesome, I just need a little recovery time..."

"You mean she actually has more stamina than you?" Setsuna asked incredulously.

"It's not a stamina issue, it's a flexibility issue!" Tsukuyomi sniffed. "It's almost disturbing the way she can bend. Did you know that she can lick her own-"

"I don't want to hear about it." Setsuna held up a hand. "If anything I would think that the pain would only make it better for you."

"Hey, I don't like it when _I'm_ the one in pain!" Both Setsuna and Konoka stared at her for a moment before backing away slightly. "Not like that! I got over that a while ago! Mostly..." Another awkward pause. "Listen, all I want is a little bit of a break, okay? Can I just hide out in your room for a little while until Makie gets over her little mood?"

"You can't be serious." Setsuna snorted. "Why would I let you follow us around?"

"Oh come on, what have I ever done to you?"

"You stalked me for like three years, and you also gave me this." Setsuna pulled up her shirt to reveal a long, thin scar across her side.

"Oh...right..." Tsukuyomi stared at the mark on Setsuna's skin as if she was a starving man staring at a steak. "I forgot about that..." Her stare broke as Setsuna let her shirt fall back into place, hiding the scar. "That was a long time ago! I just need somewhere to hide where Makie won't look for me!" She widened her eyes as much as she could and turned her stare to Konoka. "Pleeeeaasseee?"

Less than a minute later, Tsukuyomi sat on the couch in Konoka's dorm room. Setsuna sat at Asuna's desk, moping over the fact that Tsukuyomi's puppy-eyed ruse had worked. Konoka was such a sucker for cute things.

"So other than, you know, _this_, how have you and Makie been doing?" Konoka massaged Tsukuyomi's shoulders.

"Fine, I guess- OW!" She twitched. "She just has that problem of not knowing where to stop..."

"You're the last person who should complain about that..." Setsuna muttered.

"What was that?" Tsukuyomi looked up.

"Nothing."

There was a knock on the door.

"Come in!" Konoka called cheerfully.

"Hey, Konoka. I can't find Tsuki anywhere." Makie bounced into the room. "Can I borrow your vi- Oh there you are!"

"Oh...Hi Makie..." Tsukuyomi smiled weakly, the blood draining out of her face.

"I've been looking everywhere for you!" She licked her lips. "I was hoping that we could, uh..." Her eyes took a quick glance at Konoka and Setsuna. She knelt on the edge of the couch, straddling Tsukuyomi with her legs before leaning close and speaking in a hushed voice. "..have a little time alone together."

"Um, about that..." Tsukuyomi swallowed. "Do you think that maybe we could, uh, take a bit of a break?"

"Come oooonnnn! Why would you want to do that?"

"Well, after all that weird twisting, my back hurts..."

"Can't we just do it one more time?" It was Makie's turn to widen her eyes. "Please?"

"I...I don't know if I'm quite up to it today..." Tsukuyomi's resolve was weakening. Setsuna rolled her eyes at the spectacle. Konoka watched intently, curious about the outcome.

"Just one more time couldn't hurt...Then I'll let you relax for a few days." The gymnast leaned in close. "I'll even let you do it your way."

"M..my way...?"

"You know what that means..." Setsuna and Konoka watched in respective horror and curiosity as Makie began to lift up her shirt. Both spectators released stifled gasps. The girl's torso was crisscrossed with a number of long, thin scars. Some of them were fresh enough that they were still healing. Makie tossed her shirt to the floor and took Tsukuyomi's hand in her own, pressing the swordsgirl's palm against the pattern of cuts. "I'll let you cut me."

Tsukuyomi inhaled sharply. Makie had uttered the phrase in a giggly schoolgirl voice that was more appropriate for something utterly irrelevant, but it had the desired effect. Tsukuyomi's hands started to tremble as Makie squeezed them.

"I...I... uh...I'll pass..." The words tumbled weakly out of her mouth.

"You don't mean that..." Makie rested one of her hands against Tsukuyomi's leg. "I know you don't..." Her hand slid up the swordsgirl's thigh, disappearing in the folds of her skirt. She giggled. "I know what makes you happy..." There was a faint click, clearly audible in the dead silence of the room. Makie drew her hand away. Clasped in between her fingers was a small knife, one of many that Tsukuyomi always had with her.

"I thought that part of your probation was that you weren't allowed to have any bladed weapons!" Setsuna interjected. As she stood up to intervene, Konoka shoved her back down and gestured for her to be quiet.

"I want to see if this works!" She whispered.

Makie completely ignored the interruption, pressed the handle of the knife into Tsukuyomi's hand.

"Come on, Tsuki! I know how much you enjoy it!" Once again, she grasped her target's hands, and began drawing the knife closer to her chest. "I really really want you right now!" She was using the same voice that she always used when she wanted ice cream; there was no hint of the stereotypical seducer's voice. It was like any of the other dozens of conversations she had had over the course of the day. This one just happened to be about getting Tsukuyomi's resolve to crumble.

The blade of the knife slid under the front of Makie's bra. Turning the blade outward, she slowly tugged on Tsukuyomi's hands, pulling the knife away from herself.

"You're doing great, Tsuki! Aren't you having fun?" It sounded like she was encouraging someone at a carnival game. "You've almost got it!"

The blade sliced through the fabric, leaving the bra hanging uselessly on Makie's shoulders. She released Tsukuyomi's hands and shrugged. The bra fell to to floor.

"Come on, we really should leave." Setsuna hissed in Konoka's ear. "We shouldn't be watching this." She slowly began tugging Konoka towards the door. Konoka was still transfixed, she was slightly intrigued by Makie's strategy, but her eyes were drawn more by morbid curiosity than anything else. It was like watching the mating rituals of some sort of obscure bird.

Tsukuyomi licked her lips. She could see the web of veins spread across Makie's skin. It was hard to pay attention to anything but the flowing of the blood, and the girl's voice in her ears. She could vaguely feel Makie's hands around her own, lifting the knife towards her naked chest.

"Hurry up, Tsuki! We don't have all day, you know." Makie bounced up and down impatiently. "I guess I'll just have to do it myself." She lifted both Tsukuyomi's hand and knife to her chest, a few inches away from her left armpit. There was a pause as she drew a deep breath before the knife pierced her skin. She winced as she drew the knife over and down slightly, making a slanted cut across the top of her left breast.

"Owww..." She cringed as she let the knife down. "You know, if you would have done that yourself it wouldn't have hurt like that. You're way better with sharp things than I am." She shrugged. "Oh well, no point in leaving it uneven like that..." Another moment and brief cringe later, there was a symmetrical slice over her other breast.

"Aren't they pretty, Tsuki?" Makie was sweating a little, but still smiling broadly.

"Y..yes..." Tsukuyomi was oblivious to the drool that was beginning to run down the side of her mouth. "They're beautiful..."

Setsuna turned away in a mixture of disgust and shame at seeing her classmate topless and bleeding.

"It's not quite done yet." Makie's throat bobbed as she swallowed before bringing the knife up a final time, in a long curved slice across the top of her midriff. She looked down and surveyed her handiwork before beaming at her partner, pointing at the dripping cuts on her torso. "Look, Tsuki! I made a smiley face!"

Setsuna began massaging her forehead. It was just like Makie to do something absurd like that. It was almost sickening. She continued edging Konoka towards the door. This wasn't something that her Ojou-sama needed to see.

"Do you like it?" Makie was still bouncing up and down happily on the couch.

"It's...amazing..." Tsukuyomi's eyes traced the rivulets of blood as they slipped down Makie's stomach.

"Want a taste?" Makie wiped the edge of the knife with her fingers and held it out to Tsukuyomi. "You know you do."

"I...I'm good right now..." The words barely made their way out. Tsukuyomi's back pain seemed mysteriously benign.

"Are you suuuure?" Makie lifted her hand and pressed the bloody fingers to Tsukuyomi's lips, smearing them with crimson.

"Mmnh." Tsukuyomi didn't even open her mouth. She feel the dampness on her lips. It was still warm.

"Here you go!" Makie's fingers slipped past Tsukuyomi's lips. The swordsgirl could taste the coppery sweetness on her tongue. The back pain, as far as she could feel, was gone. She wrapped her arms around Makie and flung her onto the sofa, half kissing, half licking her way across the girl's body.

"Okay, time to go!" Setsuna abandoned all pretense of subtlety and dragged Konoka into the hallway. She slammed the door behind her and flopped up against the wall. "Well, that was the most disturbing thing I've seen in a long time."

"Oh, I don't know..." Konoka chuckled.

"Are you serious? You weren't a little bit put off by that spectacle?" Setsuna gestured at the door. Muffled moans of some combination of pain and pleasure were already beginning to emanate from the door.

"Well, it's not my cup of tea, but if that's how they show their love for each other, I guess we can't really complain about it."

"You think they show their love by injuring each other?" The moans were getting louder.

Konoka shrugged. "Maybe they do. I mean, we've done some pretty weird things before. Like when you-"

"That isn't the same and you know it." Setsuna snapped. "I'm telling you, if they keep this up, it's only a matter of time before-"

"EAAAHHHHHH!" Both girls turned their heads to the door. That scream had been almost purely of the "pain" variety.

"-something like that happens." Setsuna stood up. "I'm going to make sure that that psycho girl didn't do anything horrible to Makie."

Before she could touch the door, it opened slightly on it's own. Makie poked her head out. Her cheeks were red, partially from blushing, partially from the bloody lip prints.

"Uh, I think Tsukuyomi might have pulled something. Can you help me get her to the nurse's office?"

"Sure thing!" Konoka bustled past Setsuna into the room, gasping as she the aftermath. "I didn't even know it was possible to bend that way!"

"It's possible, but I guess Tsuki isn't quite limber enough." Makie scratched her head. "Can you help me carry her out of here?"

"No problem." Konoka smiled. "We'll just have to wrap her in a sheet or something first. There's no way we can get her clothes back on her if she's in that state." She turned back to Setsuna.

"Can you do me a favor, Setchan?"

"Whatever you ask, Ojou-sama." She groaned. This task would not be a fun one.

"Can you clean up this mess before Asuna gets back? She's not going to be happy that there are blood stains all over her bed. I'll be back to help as soon as we get Tsukuyomi out of here."

"Of course, Ojou-sama."

The next day, Tsukuyomi hung from the door of Makie's room, dangling from a complicated harness that would supposedly have some sort of positive effect on the back trouble that she had mysteriously contracted.

**Bonus:**

"KONOKA, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN HERE!" Asuna stormed out of her room, nearly bowling over her roommate, who was approaching the door.

"What are you talking about, Asuna?" Konoka mustered the most innocent and carefree voice that she could produce. It didn't work.

"I'm talking about that!" Asuna pointed to her bed, which was polka-dotted with a series of violet-red splotches.

"Oh, those...uh...Well, Setsuna was in here, and we were talking about stuff, and then I snagged my skirt on the corner of the table, and it fell off, and Setsuna had a really bad nosebleed." She smiled widely.

"Oh." Asuna examined Konoka's face for a moment. There was obviously more to the story, but whatever else there was, it was probably something that she didn't want to know. "Whatever. Just get me some clean sheets, okay?"

"Okay." Konoka chuckled nervously as she gingerly peeled the stained blankets from Asuna's bunk. "I'll make sure we get this fixed."

"Setchan, you were supposed to clean the blood stains, not make them worse!" Konoka waved the dirty sheet at Setsuna. "What were you doing!-?"

"Well, I couldn't get the blood stains out, so I looked on the internet for how to do it..." She scratched her head. "I found one place that said that red wine could get blood stains out, so-"

"How is that supposed to work!-? Red wine is red! How would that clean anything?" Konoka put a hand to her forehead. "I really need to stop doing all of your laundry for you..."

"Don't worry about it. I'll pay for the new sheets." Setsuna took the dirty laundry and tossed it into a nearby dumpster. "Maybe next time you'll think twice before letting Makie and Tsukuyomi get it on in your room."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." They began to walk towards the bus station. "Oh!" Konoka held up a hand. "If Asuna asks, the stains got there when my skirt fell off and you had a nosebleed, okay?"

"Wait, what? I had a-"

"It's either go with my story or have Asuna explode when she realizes what really happened."

"Ah. Point taken. Let's get her those sheets."


	6. Sayo Hakase: Shadow Crystal mage

Yeah, people are pumping these things out like candy now. Its Shadow Crystal Mage, once again.

* * *

_**BOOM**_

As every mad scientist knows, a day with that sound effect in it somewhere was a 65.356734213574 percent likelihood of being a _**very**_ bad day.

"Hakase?" one random members of the Space-Time Research Association cried out. "Hakase? Where are you!"

Hakase blinked, surprised she wasn't more injured. She waved a hand towards Random-kun. "Over here! Don't worry, I'm fine! Can you get the shovel?"

Surprisingly, Random-kun didn't seem to hear her, poking around frantically amidst the remains of her experimental Phantasmic Apparition Area Vortex Generator. "Hakase!" he cried, sounding panicked. "Speak to me!"

Hakase frowned in annoyance. "Honestly Random-kun, I'm right here!" she said, raising her voice.

More people were coming to the lab. A background extra came in with a shovel, and began helping Random-kun move around the wreckage. Hakase huffed in annoyance.

"Extra-chan, would you please tel Random-kun to stop messing around?" she said. "He's acting like he can't hear me."

Surprisingly, Extra-chan ignored her as she too began to frantically go through the rubble. "Satomi-san! Satomi-san! Speak to me!" she yelled out.

Hakase rolled her eyes and, having had enough of being ignored, pulled up her skirt to show them her panties. Honestly, she didn't get their fascination with the damn things, but she'd long learned it was the fastest way to get their attention. Spoken like a true 3-A girl.

They completely ignored her as more people came in, some with fire extinguishers and smoke scrubbers.

Hakase stomped over to the nearest one and grabbed him. "Listen-!" she said.

Her hand passed straight through.

She stared at her hand, then tried several more times, to the same effect.

"Oh, crap, " she said succinctly.

Satomi wandered. She didn't know what else to do. No one could see her, no one could hear her, she couldn't interact with anyone, and to add insult to injury, people had found that stash of naked pictures of herself Chao had left her. She was still very much in denial, since this wasn't scientifically plausible, but from all sides, he logical mind was closing in on one inescapable conclusion: she was dead. No, Dead. Capital "D", return to sender, all sales final, no refunds even with receipt, wait for the tall cloaked figure of a skeleton with a scythe **WHO TALKS LIKE THIS** dead. And to make it even worse, a voice in her head that sounded annoyingly like Haruna reminded her she'd died a virgin.

She wandered the streets of Mahora, ignoring the people milling around her, since she was no longer one of them. She passed by Setsuna, Asuna and Konoka having a threesome date, ignored Ayaka and Zazie walking hand in hand even though the latter waved to her, didn't give a damn as she passed Fuuka and Fumika in an aley going at it hot and heavy.

As she walked past the convenience store, a girl in a sailor-style uniform raised an hand and called out "Hello, Hakase".

She waved absently, and walked on.

Then the penny dropped, and she ran back to the surprised girl, grabbing her by her lapels. "You can see me?" she cried practically at the girl's face.

The girl seemed surprised. "You can see _me_?" she said, pointing at herself.

"Of course I can!" Hakase said, pushing at the girl in her excitement. They both tripped, passing _through_ the convenience store front wall.

There was a heartbeat.

"You're dead too?" Hakase said blankly.

Sayo nodded.

"Crap."

They talked. Hakase was surprised she and Sayo had been classmates since first year without knowing it. The other girl had been excited to have a new friend to talk to, and both had tried to mentally block out the chain of events needed to achieve this.

"It's not so bad, " Sayo said, trying to cheer her up. "It's actually not that different from being alive. Plus, we don't have to submit homework!"

"But I _like_ homework!" Hakase moaned, burying he face in her hands.

Sayo realized she'd said the wrong thing, and tried to pat her on the shoulder to make her feel better.

"I...I guess I can get used to this..." Hakase said. "But I'd just wish that voice in my head would stop."

"Voice?" Sayo said.

"Yeah. It's not a _real_ voice, but it kinda sounds like Haruna, " Hakase said.

"Ah, " Sayo said, nodding in understanding. "I have one of those. It keeps telling me I died a virgin."

Hakase stared at her. She stared back. Mutual understanding dawned.

A non-existent heart beat later, their clothes were flying.

"Whoa, " Hakase panted, puling a happily blushing Sayo closer to her as they lay in the 3-A classroom. "I always wondered what was so great about the teacher's desk in those videos Chao used to watch. Now I know."

"The ceiling was good too, " Sayo purred happily as the door opened. They ignored, until someone threw their clothes at them. They started in shock.

A blushing Asuna glowered at them, and they suddenly realized she could _see_ them. "Do you know, " she said. "How hard it was to get your clothes from all over campus?"

"A-Asuna?" Hakase said, heedless of her nudity as Sayo frantically tried to get back in her clothes. "Are you dead too?"

"No, I'm not dead!" Asuna said, not looking straight at her. "And neither are you! Chachamaru was able to put together what happened to you. Apparently, your entire body was turned into a ghost when your machine exploded. She managed to put it together again in Eva's basement after working nonstop for a week in the resort, so you better thank her! Now come on before someone files a death certificate for you!"

Hakase stared, then turned to Sayo.

The other ghost smiled sadly. "Go, " she said, smile trembling.

Hakase nodded, reaching for her clothes, then paused. She leaned over and kissed Sayo on the cheek. "I'll come back for you, " she said, getting dressed...

**Days later...**

Hakase stared at Sayo, as the latter came out of the Phantasmic Apparition Area Vortex Generator mark 3. "Well? Better?"

Sayo smiled, shaking her head. "No good. Since I'm really a ghost, I guess it can't go the whole way. More than half of me stays protoplasm."

Hakase swore.

Sayo reached over and took her hand in her own warm, fleshy faux-human one as the machine powered down. "It's all right. This is more than enough, " she said, pulling the other girl towards her for a kiss...

The door burst open, and Asuna dashed in. "SAYO!" she cried over the two's groans. "We need you!"

Sayo looked at Hakase, who was muttering about being really tired of getting carpet-blocked. "Go, " the mad scientist said. "We'll do it right later."

Sayo said, moving to go to the impatient Asuna. "I'M GOING GHOST!" the halfa cried as rings of light surrounded her...


	7. Asakura Kaede: Inquitus The Third

BACK WITH A VENGANCE! Yes, the crack pairrings have returned. Yet again we find ourselves thrust into the realm of 'Who gets it with whom'. Now obviously this is an 'M' story, so please keep your hands where we can see them, and be wary of any and all implied and actual sexual actions.

Thank you

This one is Third, again. So thank him. Or don't.

* * *

**I'll Take A Little Photo Of You...**

Negi Springfield was in the cacky, to put it mildly.

Being a teacher to the thirty-one strange, mysterious, downright crazy, and above all else _teenaged_ girls of 2-A would test the resolve of many a man. Being a mere ten years old only made it worse, as they saw him as more of a playmate than an authority figure. And don't even start on the secrets all of the class seemed to be hiding...

However, now was not the time to worry about such things. Negi had been given one very specific instruction by the headmaster: "If 2-A does not finish in last place for the end-of-year exams, you will be confirmed as a fulltime teacher."

The whole point of his training had been to grow and become accepted by the community of mages, and if he could achieve his goal, then his training would reach the next level. Becoming a Magister Magi would take several years longer on the other hand, should he fail.

Negi looked at a chart detailing how 3-A fit into the grading system. There were a surprising number of people at the top of the school, including Chao Lingshen in first place, Satomi Hakase in second, and the class representative in fourth place. The rest of the class was passable in terms of their ranking, though Negi made a mental note to keep an eye on (he hurriedly looked at the class roster to match names to faces) Sakurazaki, Evangeline, Chachamaru and Zazie.

At the far right of the graph were exactly who he expected to be here: the Baka Rangers. The same girls who he had ended up giving afterschool lessons beforehand. _It looks like they'll need my help once again..._

Something light and clothy hit his head, and Negi realised that he'd left the girls to their own devices again. _Ah! Gotta stop spacing out like tha..._

His train of thought petered out as he realised the Baka Rangers were standing in the middle of the classroom in various stages of undress, the rest of 2-A standing around them yelling questions or teasing comments.

"What the heck are you doing?"

One of the cheerleaders turned to see Negi twitching slightly, utterly bewildered. "Baseball Janken, " Sakurak said, one finger raised. "It's like strip poker: lose one item of clothing for every answer you miss." She turned back to the group, smiling almost evilly.

_Well, the chart's worst five are the most naked. That figures, _Negi thought as he looked on, Makie trying to retain her dignity, Yue, Ku Fei and Kaede striking a pose straight out of a Super Sentai show, and Asuna losing her temper at her classmates' apathy for ridicule.

"Asuna, you bungled another one!"

"Hel-loh? Naked already!", Asuna fumed, covering herself desperately.

_Man, oh man. This won't be easy...

* * *

_

Later that night, Negi shifted on his futon, sleepless with worry. _If i use the Grey Cell Spell, they'll become geniuses (Genii?) for 72 hours. Downside is, they'll become dumb as rocks for a month afterward... Arrrgh! Why am I always looking to magic to help me? I'll never be a proper teacher this way..._

He shifted position. _I have only tomorrow and the weekend to get the Baka Rangers up to scratch, but is that really going to be enough time? I may be their teacher, but I don't know how Takamichi taught them English. The only people who know that are the other... members... of... the..._ Negi sat up ramrod straight in his 'bed', eyes alight with an idea. _Of course! Being tutored by another member of the class is the perfect solution! It'll bring them closer together as a group, and I can help out if they need anything!_

Negi rose as stealthily as he could, tiptoeing across the floor so as not to wake the girls. His folder was on the desk, if he could just reach it and check the notes then he could figure out who could teach who...

His foot hit a loose floorboard underneath the carpet, and a creak sounded out. Negi froze. Fortunately, only Konoka seemed to have heard it. "...No, Se-cha', we'll ge' caugh'..." She giggled in her sleep, and turned over. Negi blinked, and decided to ask Konoka about it at a later date.

Right now, he had work to do...

* * *

"All rise and bow!"

2-A bowed in unison, and Negi smiled somwhwat sleepily, motioning for them to be seated.

"Now then. Some of you may have looked at a calendar and noticed that end-of-term exams are on Monday. As your teacher, I believe it is very important that you pass your exams, and I hope that you will study hard so as to avoid last place."

The class collectively furrowed their brows.

"I-I mean, it's a good idea in general to not be last in the school, right?'

More than a few heads were tilting, wondering where their pintsized was getting at.

"I-it's not like being in last place would be a really bad..." Negi realised he was babbling, and decided to start again. "Anyway, homeroom today will be a study session for the class. Also, could I please have the following people to speak with: Yukihiro Ayaka, Hakase Satomi, Lingshen Chao, Konoe Konoka, Miyazaki Nodoka, Kazumi Asakura and Naba Chizuru."

Once the usual low buzz of conversation had settled and the people he had asked for had arrived from their desks, Negi drew them aside.

"Listen, girls. I have been looking over the results from the last few exams, and you represent the highest-scoring group of students in 2-A." Nodoka blushed slightly at the edge of the group, and Ayaka drew in a breath.

"Of course, I have only been able to make such progress in my education thanks to your help, Negi-sens-"

Chizuru laid a hand on Ayaka's shoulder. "Iincho-san, I believe Negi-sensei wants to say something else." Ayaka fell silent, looking expectantly at Negi again.

"Thank you, Naba-san. Now then, despite your sterling efforts, I am afraid that the overall class score does not reflect your efforts due to the academic results of the lowest-scoring ranking members of the class, which you may know as..."

"The Baka Rangers, " the girls finished for him. Negi felt a little relieved - they may be the weakest academically, but calling them stupid was a little too much for him as of now.

"Yes, and that's why I designed this: The Great 2-A Interacademical Tutor Exchange!" Negi beamed, and handed out several small pieces of paper, with the names of the top students on one side, and the Baka Rangers' on the other, with lines linking them.

The group took a moment to digest the pairings their teacher had invented, which Negi took as a cue to elaborate.

"See, if the top students taught the bottom students for the weekend, then there'd be no problem with the grades, provided you teach them right-"

Ayaka, who had been scanning the piece of paper for her name and checking where the line adjoining her name led, blanched. She was going to be teaching...

"N-Negi-sensei! Why would you pair me with that... that gorilla girl? She hates me, I hate her, and she will only waste my time and effort!"

Negi shrank before Ayaka, putting his hands together and looking vulnerable. "B-but, class representative-san, i-if you don't, then I'll be i-in trouble..."

Ayaka blushed heavily, stopping almost immediately. "W-well, if Negi-sensei wills it, then it will be done!" She turned and made a beeline for Asuna's desk.

"Ah, sensei? Are you suuuuure that was a good idea...?" Konoka piped up. Negi, oblivious to the yells of 'shotacon' and 'ojicon', smiled at her.

"Well, I know I can rely on class representative-san to try her best, and a commited partner is exactly what Asuna-san needs! Now then, are there any other questions about who you have been selected to be tutoring?"

Chizuru raised a hand. "Sensei, how did you choose who helps who?"

Negi pushed his glasses up. "Well, I tried to match friends together, so it'd be easire, and then went by your personalities." A stroke of panic struck. "Um... do you have any objections, Naba-san?"

"No, no. I'm sure this will work out fine..." Chizuru shot a glance to Ayaka and Asuna, who had progressed to book-throwing.

"Right! Well then, you know who your partners are, so give it your best!"

Chao and Hakase shared a look, then shrugged and walked off in the direction of Ku Fei. Konoka tugged at Nodoka's sleeve, and led her towards Yue, while Chizuru took several steps and began scanning the crowd for Makie.

Asakura was the only one who'd stayed behind, and Negi blinked at her. "Something the matter, Kazumi-san?"

"Hmm?" Asakura snapped to focus on Negi, as if from a daydream. "Oh, no, none. Just... Why do I have to help Kaede? She looks big enough to be in college, so why is she having trouble with Junior High exams?"

"Well..." Negi didn't have an answer for her, so he switched tack. "I thought it may be best for you to get to know each other better."

Asakura sighed. "Fine, sensei. I'll see what I can do."

"HEEEEEEEEELP!"

Negi jumped. "What was that?", he yelped, looking for the source of the noise.

The action ground to a halt, allowing Negi to see Asuna and Ayaka, using the whimpering Narutaki sisters as impromptu swords to duel to the death.

Negi sighed deeply. _Well, at least she's trying._

"Negi-sensei! Allow me to explain! You see, this gorilla here picked up Fuuka-san for no reason at all and swung at me-"

"WHAT? Bull-_crap_! You started having a go at me and acting all snooty, you shotacon-"

_...I may need to supervise their sessions. For the furniture's sake.

* * *

_

Asakura knocked on the dorm door. She was supposed to start working with Kaede this afternoon, but she'd missed Kaede after school. She swore that girl could move like a ninja when she wanted to...

A somewhat confused Fuuka and Fumika opened the door. "Hey, what're you doing here?" Fumika asked.

"I was supposed to start helping Kaede with her grades. Where the heck is she?"

The twins exchanged a glance. "You mean ya don't know?"

"Strange to know something the paparazzi don't..." muttered Fuuka. She continued, "Every weekend, Kaede-neechan goes off into the mountains to train."

Asakura stared. "...The _mountains_?"

* * *

Stupid trees. Stupid ankle-eating roots. Stupid toe-stabbing rocks - in a damn forest! - covered by leaves.

"Whaaaa-"

An arm snaked around Asakura's middle just before she fell into the water, and she felt movement as the ground moved beneath her.

She wrenched her head around, to see who had saved her. Asakura was being carried like a little child, an arm holding her around her middle. Her saviour was standing on a tree branch, perfectly balanced five metres off the ground.

"If I may ask, Asakura-dono, why are you here-de gozaru?"

Asakura snorted. Well, at least she wouldn't have to search anymore. "Trying to find you, actually. Why are you out of the middle of nowhere?"

"Why, doing my sessha-samurai training." Kaede's carefree face furrowed. "But, why are you looking for me?"

_Oh, that's right. Negi-sensei didn't tell the class about TG2AITE. Just one more stumbling block for me._

However, something made Asakura stop. Her reporter's nose was sniffing out a story, and studying would mean losing the chance to follow this up.

"No reason, " she said hurriedly. "Hey, can you let me down? The blood's going to my head, the way you're holding me."

"As you wish, Asakura-dono." Asakura could _hear_ the little grin on her face. Then the world went forwards as Kaede leaned into thin air.

"What are you doing-" Asakura flailed around with her hands as the ground approached far too rapidly to be healthy, trying to grab onto Kaede. It wasn't like this would improve things, but instinct told her to catch hold of the tall girl.

Kaede let go, then spun once and slipped her arms out, landing in a crouch with Asakura held securely in her arms, bending her knees to absorb the shock.

Asakura noted the distinct lack of neck-breakyness, and dared to open her eyes. The first thing she noticed was just how _submissive_ her pose was. Eyes squeezed shut until seconds ago, hands clasped demurely underneath her chin, she couldn't lie to herself and claim she hadn't yelped just a tiny bit, and hanging in Kaede's arms like a princess being saved from a monster. Kaede opened one of her eyes a crack, and smiled slyly.

"Anything else, Asakura-dono?"

"Just let me down, " Asakura grumbled, reaching out to get onto her feet.

"So, what brings you out here-de gozaru?" Kaede asked as the reporter stood. "This one is not so important as to lure you out here on her own."

Asakura raised her hand. "Hey, don't be so quick to judge. You are very much important and interesting. For starters, what are you even doing out here?"

Kaede tilted her head. "Did you not listen? This one is undergoing sessha-samurai training."

"Wait, in the middle of the mountains?" Asakura was forced to abandon her questioning, however, as her stomach protested. "Ah, dammit. Knew I shouldn't have skipped breakfast today."

"Well then, would you join me in foraging? The koi are good this time of year..."

Asakura mulled it over. She was hungry, and it certainly seemed like Kaede had done this before. "Sure."

* * *

Asakura leaned back, watching the sun set from the rock. It still amazed her, the things the tall girl could do. Throwing kunai to hit fish as they jumped out of the water was already impressive enough (to do six within moments of each other was crazy!), but splitting into sixteen different people? _She's not normal, that's for sure. Ah, my kingdom for my camera! This could be the biggest scoop of my life - Plucky Reporter Girl Uncovers Secret Ninja Society!_

She was so caught up in her thoughts that she didn't notice Kaede preparing the open-air bath, until Kaede approached her, and laid a hand on her shoulder.

"Do you wish to go in first-de gozaru?"

Asakura started, and looked around for a moment, before spotting the bath. "Oh, wow, is that a-" Kaede nodded in response. Asakura quickly undressed, glad to get rid of the dirt and grime of a day in the mountain, and stepped inside, huddling over and letting the warmth soak into her bones. Nothing against the mountains, but by god they knew how to dirty someone up.

"Ah, good. Mind if I join in?"

Asakura, head still blissfully full of warmth and cleanliness and comfort, could only mumble comfortably in return. Kaede took this as a 'yes', and promptly began disrobing.

The reporter looked up dully, soaking in the bath. Her eyes snapped open once she saw Kaede naked, and she splashed slightly, turning to face Kaede.

"W-wait! Is this thing even big enough for both of us?"

Kaede stopped and stood, unashamedly naked in the cool night air. "Well, this one has never checked, but it should be enough for us two. Unless... you would prefer to remain alone."

Asakura stopped moving around, and looked at the ninja. There was no denying she was attractive, and the second biggest pair of breasts in the class just... hung there.

Oh, no. Not good. _Stop thinking about them! Stay focused!_

She swallowed slightly, and did her best to make space for Kaede.

Kaede smiled broadly, and squeezed herself in behind the reporter. She breathed out, happy to be in the warmth.

"W-well, this is a bit of a new step for me." She'd bathed with her classmates before, but this was rather more... intimate. And Kaede's body pressing against hers wasn't helping her concentration one bit. "I gotta say that you've- AH!" Asakura yelped as Kaede snaked her arms around her middle.

"Hmmm? Something wrong? I was just getting more comfortable..." Asakura _knew_ that kaede was smiling again - she'd done it when Asakura had dropped the kunai, and when she'd overlooked a root. A tone of what might have been teasing entered her tone, and she spoke in shorter sentences.

Asakura sighed. She was tired from the full day (not to mention the journey), the bath was warm and calming, and Kaede's breasts were soft enough that she felt she could drown in them... She leaned back into Kaede, smiling sleepily. Her head moved back far enough for her to look Kaede in the eye, to see the ninja leaning closer.

One hand of Kaede's was still around her midsection, but it was now sliding dangerously - and breathlessly - south, while the other went up and stroked gently over the tender skin of Asakura's chest.

Asakura sighed, and her eyes fluttered closed. Kaede leaned down the slightest hint more, and then her partner's hands were up around her neck, pulling her down into a sleepy, content kiss.

Dully, the reporter realised that spreading the word to the world would mean Kaede would have no more privacy. Her life would become public property, and this quiet little mountain 'home'would die away.

_Maybe... maybe it is better to let this one thing remain unexplained. The world needs to have it's mysteries, after all..._


End file.
